Cullen Chaos
by Spudzmom
Summary: Just a fun one shot written as part of a Halloween collaboration story. Edward's POV


Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

><p>~o0o~<p>

I reclined back on my bed, the gentle, soothing tones of Debussy flowing throughout my room as I released a sigh, the tension in my body releasing with it.

God, what a day. Tanya and the rest of her coven were here and, let's just say that the thoughts in that female's head whenever she focused on me, were… troubling, to say the least and downright mortifying at their worst.

Why couldn't she simply leave me alone?! Didn't she realize that there would never be anything between us?

I sighed again. I had tried to make it clear to her, especially with my sweet Bella in my life, whom I loved beyond anyone or anything in my existence.

I growled. I was now convinced that the female was being deliberately obtuse concerning the subject. She didn't want to face the truth of the matter, and so would probably continue to torture me with her graphic fantasies and desires. Thus my search for peace and solitude here in my room.

At least, with the music, and the lingering scent of my love, I could block Tanya's mental torture and focus on other things; things that mattered to me, like Bella.

Sweet, innocent, virginal Bella; my love, my very reason for continual existence, my everything.

I closed my eyes, picturing her beautiful face; her skin of cream and roses, her blushing lips of softest silk, her doe eyes the color of fine chocolate framed by thick curling lashes… Her natural, unblemished beauty was unmatched by any woman I had ever, or would ever see, I was sure.

These thoughts invariably brought me to thoughts of the rest of her beautiful form; an area that I rarely allowed myself to explore, for various reasons, but mostly because to do so was torturous.

I longed to peel away the layers of clothing and worship the body I loved so fiercely, but I couldn't. Not yet. She deserved more than just my base, carnal response for her first time. She deserved my full commitment, the commitment of a husband, and she would have it, but until then, my fantasies would have to suffice.

I began to picture her here, in my arms as I kissed her, my hands roaming to places that were only allowed here in the deepest, most private recesses of my mind.

I unbuttoned the shirt she wore, my lips and tongue trailing along each newly exposed inch of creamy skin, until her top half was bare to my attentions, only a bra in the way of my goal of suckling on those dusty rose-colored peaks.

I groaned as my mind continued on, popping the front catch on that restrictive garment, allowing my first peek at her unfettered breasts, the pert and velvet softness of them drawing me in as I nuzzled them, my lips covering a hardening peak, drawing it in deeply as she arched up and moaned my name.

Oh god! I just couldn't take it any more, the deep ache in my cock now overwhelming. I needed relief. I needed release desperately, so I moved to unfasten my pants. I took myself in hand, stroking at a steady, firm pace, my thumb circling the sensitive head every so often as my thoughts continued on…

_"Oooh, Edwarrrrd…"_, her beautiful voice whispered through my fantasy. _"Don't stop… please Edward… feels so good…"_

I quickened my pace, my strokes taking a desperate edge as I drew close to completion, the picture in my mind still focused on her luscious breasts as I arched back into the pillows of my bed, pearly streams of come shooting from my cock to wet my belly and chest as I cried her name out in ecstasy and relief, my orgasm seeming to go on and on.

At that very moment, to my everlasting embarrassment, Emmett burst into my room and I stared at him with wide eyes, my cock still pulsing in my hand, my breath coming out in labored huffs as I struggled to get back in control.

"Damn it Edward! Get yourself together! We've got one hell of a situation on our hands with Tanya's little beasties! They're not cute and cuddly any more man. They've turned into little fucking monsters! They're raising all kinds of hell and havoc all over the fucking house, and here you are, choking the ol' chicken! Jesus, haven't you heard the noise?! They're tearing the place apart! Let's go!"

I jumped up, quickly tucking myself in and zipping up before grabbing a fresh shirt to change into as Em waited on me.

When I was all ready to go, he smirked at me, and I knew this wasn't going to be good.

"Don't think I'm gonna be letting you off that hook you just hung yourself on any time soon little bro. That right there is pure fucking gold… just too good to pass up."

He laughed and walked out as I growled and followed. I had been so careful and discreet in the past too… and now, the one person that I wanted to keep such private things from not only knew, but had witnessed… Could this day possibly get any worse?

As it turns out, that was an extremely bad question to ask, and I realized my folly the minute I entered the hallway, ducking the many flying projectiles that smashed against the wall behind me, as Esme shrieked in dismay. "My precious china! Carlisle! They're destroying my china! Oh god, no! Not my Ming vase you little cretin! Tanyaaaaa! I'm never going to forgive you for bringing these things here!"

Carlisle was in front of me instantly, looking harried and disheveled. "Edward, we need to catch these gremlins! They're doing untold damage son! They're practically unstoppable! As soon as we contain one or more, all the others conspire to free them and they continue on! It's madness!"

He flashed away to his office where I could see torn pages and various other items flying from the room, just as a blood curdling scream sounded from Alice. "They're in my closet! Not my closet! Noooo, not my shoes!" I heard several more shrieks and crashes from her room as I moved past, on my way to the stairs.

I stopped, grabbing a pissed-off looking Rosalie. "Where's Tanya? Can't she control these things? Won't they listen to her at least?!

She gave me a flat look and I felt like an ass at her answer. "Does it look like she can control them to you Edward?"

She took off for her room, I'm assuming to assess the damage and I continued on, ducking and weaving through the mayhem.

If I thought the upper floors were bad, the entire downstairs looked like a war zone and I marveled at the fact that I was so lost in fantasy that I didn't hear any of this. Random thought, I know, but you know how it is in panic situations sometimes.

I surveyed the ongoing chaos with horror. There wasn't a thing left intact in the downstairs. Not one stick of furniture, not one piece of art on the walls… nothing. It looked like a bomb had gone off and there, in the middle of it all, was Tanya, hair hanging in her eyes, dress dirtied and torn, one high heel shoe missing… she was a complete mess.

"Tanya, just how do we contain these things?! What can I do?"

She looked at me in disbelief but didn't get a chance to answer as I heard a loud crash and a growled "Damn it!" from upstairs. The most shocking part is that the curse came from the normally cool and collected Carlisle, so I took off running back up the stairs to see what had happened.

I skidded to a stop on the many torn pages of medical books that now littered the hallway, looking into his office to see him struggling with one of the beasts on his back, doing a damn fine job of evading his efforts to grab hold of it as it cackled madly.

Worst of all, the beast had spread something in Carlisle's hair and he now looked as though he was ready for a punk rock mosh pit, his hair sticking up in all different directions, a wild look in his eyes.

"Get this damn thing off me Edward! I swear to all that's sacred and holy that I'm going to kill every last one of the little bastards… slowly… and with relish!"

I approached carefully, not exactly wanting the attentions of the thing to transfer to me. "Uh, what do I do Carlisle?"

He continued his struggle and turned to me, scowling. "Just grab the damn thing! Pop its head off… something… I really don't give a damn, just get it off my back!"

Mind now racing for a solution, I looked around the room, my gaze landing on Carlisle's favorite baseball bat. I grabbed it and quickly returned to him. "Okay, turn around and try to hold still."

"Fine!" he growled. "Just hurry up!"

He turned and stood still and I lined up as the thing laughed maniacally. Not wasting any more time, I took my best swing and connected, sending the, now very squishy thing into the opposite wall where it slid down, landing wetly on the floor in a heap.

He stood up straight, trying to run fingers through his spikes as his usual dignified persona reappeared. "Nice hit son. Now, let's see if we can take care of some of the others, shall we?"

We glanced at each other in trepidation when more outraged shrieks sounded from Alice's room. "Jazzy! Help me!"

I turned to Carlisle as we both heard Esme scream again. "Perhaps you should go help Esme and I'll go see if I can help Alice. I'm not sure where Jasper is. I haven't seen him in this mess yet."

He nodded. "I agree son. Be careful."

I held up the bat with a smirk. "No problem", and we both went in separate directions.

I found Alice struggling with two of the monsters as they wound various items of long and gauzy clothing around and around her, her now very muffled cries and promises of retribution sounding throughout the room.

"Alice, it's me, Edward. Hold very still. I'm going to try to get them off you."

I saw her nod and heard a muffled "Okay" as she stilled her struggles allowing me to take aim with the bat. Just as I was poised to swing, one of the two jumped on my back and began pulling at my hair and ears, and just as with Carlisle, the thing was a master at evading my grab.

"Damn it!" With a growl, I ignored it to the best of my ability and swung at the one still torturing Alice, connecting with a satisfying crack. The thing went flying and crashed through the window, landing in a hairy heap on the lawn below.

While Alice worked to free herself from the many layers of material she was wrapped in, I renewed my struggle with the one that was now busy spitting… yes, spitting in my hair. He worked his noxious saliva through my hair with deft fingers, all the while dodging any efforts to dislodge him from my person. It was maddening!

Salvation came in the form of Jasper, armed as he was with a lethal looking blow torch.

He crowed wildly with something I could only describe as the infamous 'Rebel Yell' as he torched the creature's nether regions, flames engulfing the thing as it hopped from me and tried to escape out the door.

"Oh no ya don't ya little shit! Ya can't escape Major Jasper Whitlock and my Flame of Vengeance ya foul little bastard, so don't even try!"

So saying, I watched in morbid fascination as a madly cackling Jasper dashed after the flaming beast, shrieks of doom coming from it as it slowly succumbed.

Shaking myself out of my momentary stupor, I took up the bat and made my way cautiously from the room, surveying the hallway with dread before heading toward the loudest sounds of struggle to see what assistance I may render.

Shrieks and screaming from the living room had me zipping down the stairs in dread, as I quickly inventoried the thoughts of my family members, none of whom, I noted with relief, were in that area at the moment.

Skidding around the corner, I took in the sight of Tanya struggling with three of the malodorous creatures. It seemed that they had found her cosmetics case as she now closely resembled The Joker from the last Batman movie as she screamed in outrage, all attempts at getting a hold on the creatures futile.

She spied me through her struggles as I stared at the spectacle she made with, admittedly, not a little satisfaction, and screamed out. "Edward! Don't just stand there like some blithering idiot! Help me!"

Something very close to disappointment filled me as I realized that I would have to do just that. She was a very old friend of Carlisle's after all, and so I tightened my grip on the bat and approached the situation with trepidation. There was just no way I wanted to give the compact, hairy menaces another opportunity to ensnare me, no matter how old or dear her friendship with my father.

Her struggles continued on, writhing and twisting in her quest to relieve herself of their tenacious attentions, and I sighed in frustration as I came within range, bat now cocked for immediate action over one shoulder. "Tanya, you simply must be still. I can't possibly take aim with such a moving target. I might hit you instead of one of them and that would ruin Carlisle's favorite bat! He would never forgive me!"

She narrowed her eyes and shot me the dirtiest look I had ever seen on her face, the effect most disturbing considering her current movie villain visage. "The bat Edward?! You are most concerned about Carlisle's blasted bat?!

I cringed at the pitch and decibel level she reached in her vexation, thanking every available deity that my ears no longer had the ability to bleed as I answered. "Well… yes, it's very important to him. We play quite often and he always uses this particular bat. He swears it's lucky you see…"

She cut me off with a glass shattering scream. "I don't care! Just get these damn things off me!"

I frowned, feeling quite offended by her tone. "No need to be rude Tanya. I was simply explaining the importance of the bat and the need for its preservation. While it is a handy implement for knocking the stuffing out of your pets, it must be kept inviolate while doing so."

My brows inched up as a decidedly unladylike string of colorful expletives issued from her macabre lips, followed quickly by a guttural growl, her latest attempt at grabbing the beasts ineffective at best as they now moved their attentions to styling her hair, aided liberally by their odorous and viscous saliva.

The smell of smoke and the heat of flames intruded upon my pondering of Tanya's stress induced transformation, and I turned to see Jasper eliminate yet another of the fleeing creatures with his… how had he referred to it? Ah yes, his Flame of Vengeance.

Somehow, in spite of her somewhat spastic gyrations, Tanya had seen him too and she reached out with a hand, a shout of relieved desperation leaving her. "Jasper! Oh thank all the gods! Help me, please! Get these things off me!"

Seeming to take notice of her presence for the first time, he straightened out of his hunting crouch, studying her plight for a moment as a smirk slowly formed on his face.

"Well now, what do we have here? It would seem that your proclivities towards pets of the exotic variety have come back to bite you right on the ass, wouldn't you say Tanya?"

She spun around to face him fully, her hair now in an impressive mohawk reminiscent of the punk era, her top lip curled in a snarl. "Just what is it with the men in this family wanting to have a discussion in the midst of crisis? Help me damn it! Feel free to pontificate later!"

My eyes widened as I watched a decidedly evil grin bloom on Jasper's face as he brought up the flaming torch. "My pleasure, Ma'am."

Her eyes widened comically. "Just what the hell are you planning on doing with that? Have you completely lost your damn mind?"

He shrugged. "Been told I have my moments… sticks and stones…"

He raised the torch again and took a step towards her. She raised both hands to ward him off with a shriek. "Don't come any closer! I'll deal with the damn gremlins!"

I watched, riveted, as Jasper shook his head. "Oh no, I was raised to be a gentleman, and I can't, in good conscience, leave a lady in distress." His grin was now shark-like as he shot towards her and her three clinging passengers.

Her scream was almost deafening as she blurred from the room, Jasper and his Flame of Vengeance hot on her heels.

I chuckled and shook my head at my own bad pun. I would have to remember to share it with Emmett later.

Emmett… just thinking of him had me remembering what had happened earlier in my room. My eyes widened. My room! I hadn't locked the door when I left it! My mind raced… had I even closed the door? Oh god! All my music and my journals!

Practically flying up the stairs, I jerked to a halt right at the top to avoid colliding with a very pissed off looking Alice as she stood, hands on hips, glaring up at a contrite looking Jasper. She held out a hand, one foot tapping the floor. "Hand it over Jazz."

He tilted his head to the side with a groan. "Aw, but Alice…"

She shook her head. "Jasper, you nearly lit the entire upstairs on fire! Now hand over the torch."

Reluctantly, he brought the torch from around his back, placing it in her outstretched hand. "It wasn't me that almost lit the house on fire. Blame the damn gremlins." He grumbled.

I moved around them and peered into Carlisle's study, noticing that he and Esme had taken refuge there with a dryly sobbing Tanya on the couch being consoled by her sisters.

Thoughts from Emmett let me know that he and Rosalie were in their room with their door shut securely, both determined to keep their things safe and ride out the beastly storm since trying to contain the little monsters had proven unsuccessful.

An ominous crash rudely refocused my attention back on my original purpose for coming upstairs, and I practically flew to my room, a sinking feeling filling me at the sight of my open door.

The beasties were in there, I just knew it!

Pushing my door open completely, I hung my head in despair for a moment at the sight that greeted me.

My music collection was everywhere, as were my journals; almost a century worth of them scattered throughout the room. Thankfully, they all looked to be intact, but what a mess the foul little creature had wrought of my belongings.

I stepped into the room fully, closing the door behind me as I stared at the culprit that was cackling madly as he or she hung from my ceiling fan.

"You seem awfully pleased with yourself you little devil. Just look at what you've done to my music collection!"

The thing had the audacity to stick out its tongue and blow a raspberry at me, showering me in minuscule droplets of spit as I covered my head in revulsion.

"Ugh! You nasty little beast!"

Jumping up, I made a quick grab at the thing and missed. From thence, the chase was on, around and around my room, over the bed, across the many CD's that littered every surface… cringing inside at the crunching noises I made with every footfall, the tiny demon's mocking laughter spurring my determination to catch him.

So caught up in the chase were we, that the sound of a loud crash not instigated by either of us, had us both halting instantly, my attention brought to my window where the noise had originated.


End file.
